This post is specifically about young people in their last few years of schooling, year 11 and below. My background is in secondary teaching and also mentoring, as well as mental health advocacy – and my boys are 7, 14 and 16. (As you see, I write, too.) These are just thoughts on the past few weeks. Below them a piece that I felt to be relevant. It was written by a fourteen year old. She’s on the ball, incisive, literate, driven by moral purpose and a clear eye. How wonderful is that?
First of all, as study leave began for the year 11s early last month, I wrote…
So, for our local lot, study leave begins tomorrow; for some of them, their last ever class tomorrow before they leave that school. Some folks sail through school; some sink. Some have very few opportunities (look at some of the recent work by MP for Tottenham, David Lammy on that, for example), and for some, school, getting a meal and someone to focus on you, is the best part of the day. Some struggle in a good place because of problems with mental and/or physical health, some young people lack confidence, are recovering from something or have an acute sense they don’t fit in, and this can be eviscerating for them. There will be young people who have not established a friendship group and it really bothers them; young people who will feel really upset and disempowered if a well-meaning member of staff says in a briefing or assembly for year 11, that ‘this is the best summer of your life!’ What does that say to the young person who isn’t going to the prom (and I mean, not through informed choice, but because it scares them or they feel they don’t know how to mix, say)who isn’t invited to parties and maybe to a lot more people who ingest, ‘It’s all death and taxes after this’?
I think about all this a lot. I wonder if, in our attempts to prompt excitement at ages and stages, we in fact create anxiety around what should be very natural transitions. I also think we must, as teachers and parents, accept that normal and healthy is HUGE and the failure therein is generally in the lack of imagination from adult caregivers.
This time of year can be really hard for parents, for families, for our young. Allow me to be bossy and say that if you are a parent, you ought to put any competitive talk away right now and maybe, in August, share your offspring’s glowing GCSE results privately (I know some will dislike my saying that!) rather than on social media. Encourage your offspring to do the same. I do not mean don’t be proud; I don’t mean don’t halloo or go to the ball: I mean, be mindful.
In homes and schools and settings, know that some young people choose to be alone; that does not mean they are lonely, nor that they will never manage good and abiding friendships – this will come; they are so young still. I think we should offer a challenge if an assessment of someone and their ability are predicated on how much the student says in class; it isn’t the only index of engagement and, also, it can be horrifying to some students to pipe up in front of their peers. And some people never socialise widely, don’t like to be in a group or, say as introverts, need quiet time after an event and being busy (this includes me).
So far, in parenting, we’ve had extensive school refusal, CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) and many talks from a secondary school about how opportunities were closing down (meant well; meant to be firm guidance) and I cried myself to sleep many times over that. Some young people need more time. To suggest – and I swear I am not joking when I tell you I heard this, myself, in KS1 – that their way is entirely mapped is ludicrous and limiting, for them and for you as their parent or carer. A school refuser or young person who is only partially in school or who has been withdrawn for whatever reason will need more time, but have faith in that. And I wanted to say that any parents reading this who are feeling tender because, in a year group or with schooling, it just hasn’t gone as you hoped, then know that you did the best you could and never mind what anyone else says, including me. I would list any number of real-life examples of waiting, time, growing into confidence and self acceptance, but that would be to break a confidence. So just hugs, yes? I love doing my writing, but working with young people for 20 (gulp!) years has been the joy of my life.
And finally…a student wrote something for me. not for homework, but to get something off their chest. They are in year 8 and I am writing this with parental and student consent. Here’s why we have to be careful what we say BUT ALSO why we should take huge comfort and pride in this country’s young. ‘This is absolutely how I feel’ they said: ‘And we are going to have to change things, right?’
Teach me, said I.
Where do I start?
You will be judged on what you wear, which genre of music you like, how you act and what you look like. On top of that, who you choose to hang around with, and are friends with, which shows you like, how popular you are, and any personal trait. You will be made fun of for being who you are.
So don’t tell me that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, because in society these days, it isn’t. No-one will even try to give you a chance to see if you are beautiful on the inside, if you’re not beautiful on the outside.
Take the Kardashians, for example: their whole lives and careers depend on what they look like. They are the perfect example of what society wants us to look like, in fact! So, are they what we like to call ‘perfect’? Is perfection having big butts and books, a tiny waist, a perfectly symmetrical face? The Kardashians, along with many other social media influencers lead us to believe that we cannot achieve beauty without surgery or extreme measures. They promote things like hunger-suppressing lolly pops, waist trainers, or spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on surgery and improvements every year. But if you look closely, you will see their fan base is mainly young kids, teenagers and people in their early twenties – and I think that this is who kids are growing up with as their so-called role models.
You open any magazine, Go on. There are pictures of ridiculously skinny models with perfect skin and hair; girls look at them and think I want to look like them…why can’t I look like them?
We get told not to eat things because we don’t want to get fat. Then when we don’t eat, we get called other names. It is as if we can never win because for years society has been telling women to be beautiful as if beauty were the most important thing in the world. You wonder why girls and women get depressed!
But here’s the thing. We blame society, yet we ARE society. We say how society needs to change, but it’s down to us to make that happen. Above all, we need to stop trying to be like everyone else around us. We are unique, we are individuals – and we need to embrace who we are for,
‘No-one ever made a difference by being like everybody else’ (P.T.Barnum.)
And finally, an embarrassing twitter thread on when your young teach you.