Day four of our alphabet – ways to look after you. D. D is for depression

In my life I have several periods of depression and I could not see beyond it. My experience is that – reminder I am not a medical professional and I’m a Doctor of Creative Writing! – sadness and depression may be confused. I have found that when you are sad you can still have joy alongside it, but in depression it is through a glass darkly. Perhaps it’s different for you. Depression, for me, involved intense feelings that were just awful and I often felt deeply isolated, stressed and numb. I think periods of my childhood and adolescence were spent in depression too, and I knew it wasn’t right because I had felt happiness. This was the impact of events within the family home and the sense that no-one, anywhere, would believe. I still get snatches of that feeling now – but it fades.

Depression has a way of knocking you out and it also lies; it says, you will never get better: this is not recoverable. It’s an awful thing, but if you are managing it, know how common it is too. I am not, for the purposes of this blog and because I am not qualified to say, going to write anything about medicines or therapies, because that is not my place. I AM going to tell you about a book that has been my companion for a many a year. It’s by the late Australian psychologist Dorothy Rowe, who remains a bit of a heroine for me. I have been told by some that she is rather old fashioned, but I have been in and out of the system for years and I can tell you that I STILL find fresh insights and comfort from her work. Rowe was always particularly interested in how we create meaning and in this book, below, she explains that just as you created meaning through a series of pictures of the world, so you can create new meaning and different understandings. Isn’t it simple? That takes work, but, hearing it for the first time, it’s like soft rain on a dry soul. Here:

I have always adored Rowe’s warm and forthright style and her range of literary examples, which appeal to a bookworm like me and I encourage you to have a look at the book.

Gradually, over time, I have had fewer and fewer periods of depression because I have learned to think and behave differently and my, it has not been easy. But I leave you with a few things.

The first is that, perhaps, how you are feeling is a reasonable response to the life you are not living not being right for you. In my case, I had so many unhelpful thought patterns ingested because of what was repeatedly said to me about myself, myself and others’ view of me, and what I was capable of – either nothing or only bad things – that I needed to unlearn that this was not the whole of the world, but what I had been taught. I recall a very particular day when the scales dropped from my eyes and actually thinking how fresh and bright the colours around me were. I cried and cried with relief. I had to deconstruct that monolith inside me so I could begin to live a life that was right – or better – for me.

Now I want to say, please do not be ashamed and furthermore to reiterate that you are far from alone. I hope from this place can come new understanding and new life for you. I know that this has been the case for me.

Finally, there is work to be done and how long that takes is unique to the individual. I said above that depression lies – it says you’re no good and this will never end. It is not so.

I have so much to say on this topic, but all my posts in the alphabet need to be brief.

With all my love and with encouragements,

Anna.

Day three of our wellbeing alphabet. The letter C – for comfort

Photo by Nate Biddle on Pexels.com

Hello my lovelies and let me share the simplest idea with you.

I WAS thinking of writing about C for chips, but maybe another day. Comfort. I have found that, in difficult situations or just as part of caring for me, it’s helpful to attend to comfort. I know that is going to vary because you may be living with chronic pain or illness, so I suppose I need to qualify what I write with explaining that my approach provides optimal conditions for me. Also, I want to say something about things that are comforting, as well as approach the word ‘comfort’.

So, I have a very bright crochet blanket that I like too have with me, where it’s possible. I have it because a kind person made it especially for me when I was at an absolute low. I put it over my legs and feet. I have a little spiky ball which I enjoy rolling on the soles of my feet, and, since my teens, I’ve invariably had a little bottle of lavender oil with me or maybe a tissue with a few drops of lavender on it. I also have a pot of tiger balm with me, which seems to last for years. These are things for being at home but also travel or being elsewhere. If I am feeling a bit nervous, I do enjoy using earplugs – I like the ones made by Loop. You can get ones that block out sound and ones that act more as a filter. An eye mask if I need to withdraw for a bit. These are all things that bring me back to myself a bit and give me a feeling that I am looking after myself, but it doesn’t matter what those things are; it’s a question of what they afford you.

Things that are comforting.

I have pictures of my cats on my phone and roses I grew. It doesn’t matter what the images are of, because it’s whatever brings you comfort. I am a massive bookworm, so I am frequently comforted by books insofar as I become really absorbed by them. I like to read aloud to myself if the language is particularly beautiful and quite frequently read poetry aloud: you can feel it too. I think romance with a happy ending is a wonderfully cheering thing to read. It’s not usually my first thing, but there are times when that’s what I want to read, for escapism and soothing. Flowers, herbs, the sea, birdsong: keep noticing and taking it in.

More broadly for feeling comforted, I have been training myself to really look at and notice things. To spend time on doing small things for myself, and to self soothe. Breathing well is grand, but because I manage real and scary health things and because of other things in my life, I have adopted a habit of putting my hand on my heart and saying a comforting phrase. Yes, I know it probably sounds a bit naff, but it works for me.

There’s a thing you sometimes hear about letting the good land. Our brains have an entirely understandable negativity bias, because that’s been necessary from an evolutionary point of view. One thing that I find comforting is that there’s work we can do. Our neurons are interesting little guys which can, with a bit of encouragement, start firing about different things. That’s brain plasticity and there is much information out there about this. Psychologist Rick Hanson whom I’ve mentioned before has a lot of free resources here and I suggests you subscribe to the weekly JOT – just one thing – newsletter. Here’s the website. https://rickhanson.com/what-to-do-when-the-bottom-falls-out/? May it bring you comfort.

At the heart of everything I have written is the simple practice of caring about yourself in the first place. Not in an egotistic and self-indulgent sort of way; not by embracing toxic positivity which is, of course, toxic. Just by introducing and doing my best to sustain things that offer my body comfort and which are comforting.

I hope you can do that for you.

All my love,

Anna.

Day 2 of our midsummer alphabet all about looking after ourselves

The letter B

The first thing that came to mind for B was actually…be. Let’s go with that, shall we?

Sometimes everything hurts and, because we are being realistic, the pain of some experience has to be tolerated, it has to be felt and, to a certain extent, and step by step, it has to be assimilated. In that context – but perhaps really in all, for which read on – some days all you have to do is just be. On that day, just have a day. There are some days where you are so tired and in my experience it’s good for you not to look for solutions on some days if this is a possibility you can afford.

Just be, to the extent you can be, quietly, in the middle of your own life and experience. I think this is a bedfellow to acceptance, which I mentioned yesterday. Both of these tenets have been very useful to me because I am not fighting so hard. Even if I feel sad and scared, I think, ‘Well, I’ll just…kind of…be’ and somehow the world keeps turning.

Something it took me a long time to grasp was that joy can lie alongside sorrow. Sorrow does not entirely dissolve joy – even if that joy is tiny. If I can stop agitating for a bit, that observation comes more naturally to me. How about you?

Also on ‘be’, I have – I would imagine this is partly because of hyper-vigilance – always felt the need to be doing a thing. Like, if I didn’t do a thing, whatever that thing was; if I didn’t keep busy, solving, sorting and doing, then somehow the wheels would fall off. I was scared of relinquishing control and I am still a work in progress in that regard. I have found it is very good for me to do absolutely nothing for periods of time. A few minutes here and there; half an hour: ooh – an hour sometimes. I consider this training for me. My nothing needed a prompt, however, so let me tell you what I tend to do. I lie on my bed, sometimes I cover my eyes with my eye mask (nothing fancy) and then I put my big green exercise ball on the bed and lie with my legs up. I close my eyes, daydream, focus on my breathing – in for 8, hold for 8, out for 8, counting, and a few cycles of that, and what can be managed is different for everyone, and can just be regular focus on the breath to calm the system. If I feel fretful, I rather like listening to a deep rest meditation – here’s one I liked –https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKGrmY8OSHM&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD or try a Yoga Nidra practice, of which there are many free online. Or, on the Calm app, Spotify, YouTube or wherever, I really find binaural beats help me; this is music where tones of two slightly different frequencies are played through each ear and for which you need headphones. If you don’t like them, ditch them and try something else that you find soothing.

Most importantly about this word be. You know, we think we need so much, we think we need to do or gain or achive so much to be of worth, but, I would argue, if you are looking after others, looking after your world and looking after yourself, you need not do more. So much of the rest is a chase, an illusion; when you get ‘there’, you find there is no ‘there’ (there) and off you go again – and it can be relentless. So maybe to just be is enough?

With much love,

Bookworm

Why sad can be beautiful too

On writing; on publishing: on life

In February, 2026, my eleventh book will be published, by an award-winning, exciting independent publisher. I have just finished the first in a projected series of commercial fictions – cosy paranormal – and I have a novella out and about. In addition to this, I am reading for a new literary novel and thinking about another. I am the creator of a literary prize for unpaid carers supported by lovely folks across industry, I am about to go to a big publishing event (through my teaching work) and I’m delighted to be seeing some of you in the winter, as I know I will be, at my event at Folkestone Literary Festival. I have fulfilling teaching and mentoring plus a little secondary English. I became Dr Vaught at Christmas.

I have deliberately written this because it is part of the picture and I need to see it and feel it and then explain what follows. You may know that we are very stretched in our family life, that I have had a lot of loss of late (having been launched into the world on that, too) and that, where I live, I’ve/we’ve been subject to a horrendous and baffling bullying campaign, including destruction of parts of our garden. Community policing has supported me well, mindful I have a young person still at home, too, but I don’t feel so safe at home. It has been social media, too; shit thrown into our garden. It has been like a bad dream. I have chronic illness, an extremely ill eldest and two others, one of whom is school age – and the integrity, the sanctity of home is so important. It’s all a bit hard to take in. I am very tired, but my students, my mentees, being myself – call it authenticity, if you like – lovely friends, my gorgeous cousins and in-laws (the latter in the US), writers, reading – writing: here is life. My boys. Mr Bookworm. Always Mr Bookworm. And always, always, there are Wales and the water.

SO, my darlings. What about the books? This is not about writing, but about publishing. I wake up so sad and I think, would it be best to walk away?

I must speak frankly. Out of my ten published books, four are now out of print. A couple of weeks ago, for the second set. One of my publishers closed and did not tell authors. While I was keen to see that the director was alright, it was staggering. Beyond this, I am sitting on lots of unsold rights. Two previous publishers did not want futher work from me, one because my work did not fit with changes afoot for the direction of the publishing house, the other did not want the next book. I am owed royalties by two publishers; one of them I have never had a statement from. I was agented on my fourth book and, eventually, I left my agency because most of what I wrote was not wanted and thus did not go out on submission and books sent on submission were mostly ghosted by editors, with a few rejections which were enormously complimentary. Of course it was amicable! It just plainly was not going anywhere and, in the end, I am not sure why. Lots of agent interest after this – a really lovely bright spot – and then agented again; this agent was then made redundant but not long after had a new job so I was agented again. Then late last week, I learned that, for entirely understandable reasons, they were leaving. I had been waiting for reads and had a strong – I thought – nonfiction proposal out on submission. I understand that was mostly ghosted.

I told you about the Curae prize. It is unique and important. There is no other initiatve anywhere near it for writer-carers. I am glad to have made it. I can tell you that industry press ignored Curae despite repeat emails and that the publishing partner for the prize did not follow through. I do not know why. I found that one hard because it was not about me; nonetheless, it felt embarrassing and shaming. Oh, I find ghosting hard to take these days. You can say you’re busy, but look at what I am spinning and I am frequently poorly and, frankly, really scared. That is not to say that I am special. No. But the ghosting in all spheres is wearing thin for me and hurting me more. And waiting and waiting. Weeks to answer emails. I’m just…I can’t do it any more. No that.

I am not sure how to feel about any of this, because it has been a rough ride. It’s more sad on top of sad. I have had some initial conversations with people about next steps and I sincerely hope I can share some bits of good news soon. And yet and yet. I would love to have someone help me develop my career, to see my books – even if they are the new ones because I am happy for a fresh start – thrive and be more widely available. It has yet to happen. I hear about people being helped with strategy and see friends with one book out doing any number of what you might call big things. Yes I would like a bit of that! On the other hand, it seems very normal not to have it. I have worked so very hard and hustled. At this point, I question to what end and I am going to be brooding a little indulgently on that here and there. Bitter? No. I don’t think I have it in me. Bitterness is corrosive. Also, I need to stay as well as I can for my own sake and those I love and care for. That’s a lot of people.

You saw the first paragraph. Those are all possibilities and they all exist. With very little help and in challenging circumstances, I made them. It is time to say that was pretty brave of me, really. Then the books; writing. People say that after disappointment or things going badly wrong in publishing, they couldn’t write for a while. I have not found that. Not a bit. It just keeps coming. I think this is a blessing. I think, partly because I teach Creative Writing and am kind of…industry adjacent, I separate writing from publishing. It is market. What you can place, what can sell, insofar as anyone knows. You can write something beautiful and it might only sell a few copies because it was not perceived as being maketable so it barely saw the light of day. Industry can get that wrong, of course: it did with my teaching book, The Alchemy, which is widely used and appreeciated, but that is a story for later in the year. I think I am tired of not making much progress, of what I can do – and I can do a lot – not being exploited. Maybe that will change; maybe…it just will not. I do not think I would still be pushing on in any capacity at this stage were it not for Renard Press, whose care for its authors is exemplary and with whom I have built up such a lovely relationship. I am so thankful. They call me Po, you know. Like in Kung Fu Panda? That’s what I am like. I bowl into situations, full of life, with very little elegance but a lot of good intentions and energy. And I like jokes and pals. And dumplings and noodles. I have a lot of energy. I have felt some others try to crush me like the light were an irritation. It is just me trying to give and there are ways of handling that, aren’t there? Renard. Thank you: THANK YOU.

So why is sad beautiful? Because it has its own gentle, melancholy focus. When you write just because you love writing, there is something new and untethered. I have found that having had a rocky run has made me more effective as a Creative Writing mentor and teacher, both in terms of empathy for my mentees and students and because I can give them better advice. I think, also, that in sadness there is a quiet creativity and a bolstering of the imagination. Also, feeling as I do, my work with the Curae prize feels more meaningful than ever and also my friendships with other writers.

Unusually, I do not have the energy to write more today, so let me end by saying that it’s a straight-through online teaching day today – with a break to cook tea for the youngest – and I am so enjoying talking to my writers about their work. I have made a few connections with publishing professionals for myself, but I am not making more than a few. How could I have capacity?

In my in-between times today – the caught moments – I will be reading and reciting all the poems I know by heart; it’s meditative and healing. Strange that this is what first came to my lips, then. Books open on the right pages, poems beckon. Sad can be beautiful too. Here is what I said aloud; it’s from Patrick Kavanagh’s ‘Prelude’.

But satire is unfruitful prayer,
Only wild shoots of pity there,
And you must go inland and be
Lost in compassion’s ecstasy,
Where suffering soars in summer air—
The millstone has become a star.
Count then your blessing, hold in mind
All that has loved you or been kind:

With love,

Anna x

On Burnout

Today has been the day when I made decisions. I hope some people out there will find what follows helpful and loving. To you, from me, with hugs. Much of this is publishing industry-related, but in the context of a complex life – and my realisation that I am not meeting my own needs.

(Picture is of me, in one of my favourite places, on St Brides Bay in Pembrokeshire – much of my family is from around here.)

You read about burnout and, while some of what I write will be about industry, this is in the context of my managing life. I feel very tired, but in a way that is not relieved by sleep. I need a broader rest and considerably less stress. So, without going into detail about the care needs and complexities in my family, just know that I am sad and need time and space to offer more loving care and more to myself. Because of my past, I am hyper-vigilant and find it difficult to let go and not be in charge. In short, to respond to life’s demands as if they are not an emergency because much of my early life and key developmental stages were predicated upon threat and emergency. I need time and space to build on the repair work I have done in specialist trauma therapy and EMDR and with meditation practice, yoga and keystones of self-care. I need time to be alone and recharge. It is very rare that I can be; that someone does not need me to do or be something and so, of course, in I rush. But you see, I am already carrying a lot and this is partly trauma response. I want to fix everything. I need to turn back to my immediate family and to myself.

What will this mean? In no particular order…

  1. I have shaved back work to teaching and mentoring for which I am contracted over the next two to three years. If I am waiting for confirmation of an event, the new rule is chase once, no reply, OUT. In other words, I am on time and frequently ahead of deadline out of respect for others. I know doing things when you say you will is not always possible, but it happens so much in publishing – in my experience that is – and the strain has shown on me. So where things are open-ended and I said I needed a decision, I allot a time period and then it’s over.
  2. I am going to start initiating deadlines more often because I just cannot have so many open-ended things happening. This will not always be possible, but I need to be more in charge of timetable where this is possible in order to plan for the care of my immediate family and to have space to respond to need and to crisis.
  3. At the moment, I have five books, including a previously published novella, two nonfiction proposals, a novel and a brand new novella under consideration. I just finished a PhD. Honestly, at no stage have I seriously given myself time to understand the volume of work that was. I need to. I need to celebrate that level of outputting. Just me. I also need to do some writing slowly and some for fun. I am switching partly to digital-first commercial fiction – if they will have me, that is – so that, among other things, the timetable is more predictable. I am feeling the strain.
  4. I realise that I am carrying much grief – for the illness, pain, the long road during which my family has been let down by any number of health and education professionals. It has been and is heart-breaking.
  5. I am just…really disappointed by elements of publishing. I am grieving that, too. But I haven’t allowed it properly. I’ve been thinking it’s trivial to have got upset, but it DOES bother me that most of my books (there is shining exception) have not been promoted much, have been ignored, that communications have been so poor, that a beautiful book sits there with stacks of unsold rights which I cannot access to sell, that I have never got funding, that I am chasing royalty statements, that Curae and the young carers’ project didn’t get funding, that I have been so let down by the industry press and by some industry professionals on the Curae prize. It’s a ground-breaking initiative for unpaid carers, for heaven’s sake. I need to grieve all that – the time wasted, only I couldn’t have known. The situations and people who just…ought to have been better.
  6. I want to find time to recharge so that I can appreciate blessings more acutely – because there are many. Teaching is the joy of my life, for example. And I actually get paid for doing something which means that much to me.
  7. I found that with my out of office on, publishing and writing folks still filled up my inboxes across socials because they need help. I don’t think I have anything spare right now. I also realised that, much as I adore people, socials were depleting my energy. I feel compelled to stay in touch and also, partly through not having been promoted as a writer, I feel compelled to always be ON. Engaged. But I’m too tired. I can’t keep this up any more. All apps off my home screen, and possibly will come off my phone, but it’s not practical just yet.
  8. I realise that I am going to have to cut a few ties, frankly. Though I am an adult, I am still seeking approval from family members who will never approve of me because my own mother didn’t approve of me and the lie settled. It’s still there. I’ve had enough now. There are other people in my life whose demands on me exceed what I am able to give; it’s tough to say, but it’s time.
  9. I want to concentrate on beauty, breathing, my kids, books, hearth and home. You may know, if you’ve kept an eye on me elsewhere, that over the past year for reasons we don’t know, threatening behaviour has happened towards me in my own home and an area of my garden was vandalised. I have not felt safe at home for some time, but I have spent the past few months strengthening boundaries, adding lights, security cameras, being supported by the community policing team and the council, who have been delightful, and by my lovely local community. We don’t know who has done this or why. For someone who comes from a trauma background, to feel invaded in this way by persons unknown has been very stressful. You see another reason I feel burned out? I haven’t felt sanctuary.
  10. I want and need to simplify my life and ringfence time to be alone and to heal. To build the strength to bear sorrow with more equanimity. That will not impact my work, which is teaching and mentoring, but it will in terms of my toleration for others’ demands, people flaking on projects, and open-ended publishing situations. I need shape and structure in a chaotic and restlessly sad world, so I can find my way back home. So I can find myself.

Bringing you up to date on Bookworm Vaught’s activities!

Well now what have we got going on? First thing is that I have a nonfiction book out on agency submission. I have actually proposed a series, but it can be a standalone book. It’s literary self-help, a short book each time, and on each occasion an area of literature and a theme to help with a particular ill, or something we might need. Anyway, it’s called Dr Bookworm Prescribes and plays with the idea of a sort of…apothecary; a bibliotherapist. Close readings, but only short ones – ideas; all kinds of fun and consolation.

AND THEN…

On Monday night I handed my new fiction to my agent. This is a psychological drama; a novella. It’s dark and weird and, while you can tell it’s me, the style is simpler and leaner than that of previous books. I started writing this last year and put it aside for a while, and then finished it quite quickly this month. It’s called All The Days I Did Not Live. Will she like it?

AND MEANWHILE…

The judges are reading the entries for the 2025 Curae prize for unpaid carers. I have read all the entries and they are reading in batches. I feel that, across poetry, fiction and nonfiction, there are some standout entries: the ones I just cannot stop thinking about. But mine is not the only decision and, mid April, we will get together and make our list. Shortlist is published on the 1st of May.

AND AT THE SAME TIME…

My first two books are out of print and the publisher closed. I have my rights back. I am not sure what to do with the first book (auto-fiction), but U have offered the second one to a delightful indie publisher I adore TOGETHER WITH a strange little historical fiction and magical realism mash-up that my previous agency didn’t like AND a nonfiction proposal, which could be a book OR could be commuted to something essay length. We shall see.

AND I WONDER…

I always like to be working on something, but I am taking my time with this next one and, to be brutally honest, going all-out for the market by attaching the book to a known oeuvre – and that’s all I am saying other than F. Scott Fitzgerald.

AND FINALLY…

You may have been expecting the follow-up to 2023’s kindle bestseller The Alchemy…originally slated for this autumn, The Elixir has been moved, at my request, to 2025 on account of not being superhuman. I will be working on that this year, too.

NONE OF THIS IS MY DAY JOB!

On the Curae Prize

Anna.

2023 – it’s a busy old year

What have we done so far and what’s still to come?

March saw my memoir – it is NOT an easy read, but call it a pretty one! I will offer links direct to publishers if you’d like to get any of these:

March also saw the translation into Italian of my 2020 novel, Saving Lucia – Bang Bang Mussolini –

Bang Bang Mussolini

https://8ttoedizioni.com/prodotto/bang-bang-mussolini-lamicizia-immaginata-tra-lucia-joyce-e-violet-gibson/

Just out, The Zebra and Lord Jones, a new novel of magical realism. As I write, we are getting ready for the release of The Alchemy, my first teaching book, which comes with its own platform, and then in November, the anthology of winning entries from the inaugural Curae prize, which I made specifically for writer and would-be writer-cares. For All three of the following books, head over to Renard Press. https://renardpress.com/https://

The book above is the result of the Curae prize for writer-carers which I launched in 2022. It had such wonderful support from across industry. If you can, come to our launch night? It’s free but you have to book.

https://www.outsavvy.com/event/16910/the-curae-online-launch-evening

In just over a week, I start a PhD by Published Works at York St John University. It is on magical realism, the imagination and trauma, and foregrounds my own These Envoys of Beauty and Saving Lucia, together with briefer focus on five other books, alongside contemporary magical realism fiction and literature on trauma across various disciplines.

I can tell you a little about my July 2024 book, To Melt the Stars, which is a collection all about love. You can read about that here! https://www.thebookseller.com/rights/broken-sleep-books-snaps-up-vital-essay-collection-from-vaught

What else? I had a strong nonfiction proposal put together, Lipstick. A Cultural and Emotional History and, in all honesty, following agent and publisher feedback, it is not going to be saleable as a book. I am not a journalist, I do not work in fashion and beauty and I am not a cultural historian. Nonfiction is a particularly hard sell at the moment, so it’s just no go. I cannot top and tail it with memoir and scholarship because I do not have a relevant platform. However…I like to think whether I can reuse and repurpose so the plan is to publish it as a monograph instead! A long essay. I am delighted to tell you that I do have an offer of publication for early 2025. News as and when I can.

I am in the process of writing a new novel, All the Days I did not Live, having put down a few other things, and as I write, I am going to be head down on that for a week. I also made the decision to seek to change literary agency – this happens a lot, if you were wondering – so I am in discussions about that at the moment. Finally, I am away from social media for a whole year: time and space. To breathe. So much has happened in the past few years in work, and books and in my personal life – it feels good so far.

More news as it happens and, this week, I am will be resurrecting my Substack newsletter. About time!

Love and books,

Anna

xxx

On Imposter syndrome – writing and publishing. A short, bolstering post

Now, many people feel this: writing, not to mention actually publishing your work, feels like it’s something for folks known as OTHERS. You know; the other people, for whom this is all a breeze; the people who have their stuff together and who know so much more than you. They’re better read, more connected, more clever, more everything and OBVIOUSLY better writers.

There are deep and uncomfortable reasons why you – we! – may feel this way, but I said short and bolstering, so here we go. First it is common to feel this way. Then, I suspect it is part of the human condition to feel like an outsider and it can feel scary – get in, or you will be eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger – to be on the outside of something. So learn to accept these feelings and breathe through them. Then, know that doubt about your role, life and, to stay on topic, writing, are natural. Doubt is a function of intellect because you are examining what you are doing. I’d argue it makes you a better writer. It’s also part of self-reflection, of being self-aware and, frankly, of empathy.

DO YOU KNOW WHO CAUSES ALL THE PROBLEMS INCLUDING IN PUBLISHING AND THE WRITING COMMUNITY?

Yes, it’s the arrogant twats. The people who feel like they have it all together and know what they are doing, impervious to change, prompt from others and, frankly, worse at their work for this and frequently damaging. It’s true in all walks of life, I would argue.

Fortunately, my darling, you are not an arrogant twat. Look at you there with your impostery hotness.

Plough on, tell people you feel this way, know that it is natural and, most importantly, do not let it chew you up so you cannot write. Doubt, gone a long way, can eviscerate your sense of self, of vocation. It makes dust of your creativity, so keep an eye on it and don’t let it go so far. Write through it, talk about it, talk back to it and here is a glittering merit sticker for a job well done.

Claim your spot. Yes, there is clearly work to be done in the publishing industy, but there is room for you.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, hopes and dreams, building and some frank admissions

Coming for 2023,

On the 6th of March, the Italian publication of 2020’s novel, Saving Lucia. Title and cover reveal in the new year, plus details of the April Italian tour, beginning in Milan. This is the UK edition, with Bluemoose books. Still time to read. Then 8tto Edizione

Then on 31st March, my memoir comes out. Trauma, survival and the imagination, kid up, explored over twelve essays on the natural world. Reflex Press.

On the 27th of September, my new novel, The Zebra and Lord Jones, is out with Renard Press as UK and Commonwealth (excluding Canada) edition. Plenty of news to come in the new year and this is currently on US submission.

Then, on the 25th of October, my first book on writing, The Alchemy is out – also awaiting cover. This is very specifically about gentle productivity and writing your book in less than ideal circumstances. This book was recently acquired, like The Zebra and Lord Jones, by Renard Press.

Through the year, you have various pieces of work from me – such as my Mslexia column!

On January 10th, join me here!

Also, in the new year, if you fancy joining me – and the fab team – come and work on your novel for a year; applications open in early 2023 and the new course starts in March. Image below is for the one I am currently teaching on.

On 1st of January, the Curae Prize opens for first submissions. This is a new literary award I have set up, with brilliant support from people across the publishing industry, for writer and would-be writer-carers.

Key dates:

Opens to subs:

1/01

Subs close

1/03

Shortlist

1/05

Two winners announced

1/06

https://thecuraeprize.uk/

THE CURAE PRIZE

A writing prize – just for writers who are also carers

It is my dream that I go on to build out from this – educational platforms and opportunities for young carers – and, ideally, for carers around the world. We have to see how well this first year goes first!

As to my hopes and dreams? I truly think, eight books published in seven years – by the end of 2023 and one in translation, plus two major columns and over forty features – well…I truly think that if I were going to be a star from my writing and have a big profile, I would have done it with this ouput. I was very sad about this, but then I reminded myself that, in order, I am teacher, reader, writer.

And before all of that, mum.

As to my hopes and dreams? I truly think, eight books published in seven years – by the end of 2023 and one in translation, plus two major columns and over forty features – well…I truly think that if I were going to be a star from my writing and have a big profile, I would have done it with this ouput. I was very sad about this, but then I reminded myself that, in order, I am teacher, reader, writer.

And before all of that, mum.

Things looked very different! I felt much more optimistic and began seeing possibilities.

There are additional needs within my family and it has become clearer to me that focus needs to adjust and I will need to be hands on and flexible, perhaps permanently. We have had no additional support and have been through significant trauma over a long period owing to this. To be frank, I have to plan and to anticipate and there are too many fluid, unpredictable bits in publishing for someone who has additional demands plus a day job – and I also manage chronic illness. I am sure you get the picture. So I am working sideways, instead. It took me months to recover from a novel being comprehensively ghosted by editors. I had not understood that ghosting – a practice of which I disapprove – went on beyond the query stage. Seeing this in action has made me reappraise my approach, partly because I do not have the bandwidth for it. I have so many ideas; so many books I want to write, but the issue is not the writing, but where I meet industry. Thus, while I have a number of books out in 2023, my focus going forward and beyond is teaching and the Curae. With the exception of sending a book of essays out on query in mid February! And unless I get a nice US deal, or someone wants to make a film – or anything which is a big splash in that way. I will be talking about moving sideways and the portfolio concept; being nimble and flexible. I aim to connect it both to The Alchemy and to the Curae. I aim to put in place for others what I needed.

With much love to you all,

Come and find me here: https://twitter.com/BookwormVaught

https://www.instagram.com/bookwormvaught6/

In the new year, you will be able to find me and mine on Booktok too.

Anna x